


Demon Llama! or, The Ineffable New Groove

by charlottemadison, EdnaV



Category: Emperor's New Groove (2000), Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Crowley is a llama, Good Omens recast with Emperor's New Groove characters, M/M, Other, Wrong Lever, Yzma and Kronk are Beez and Gabriel, because why not, demon llama, is really what started this disaster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26319451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlottemadison/pseuds/charlottemadison, https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdnaV/pseuds/EdnaV
Summary: Ext. day, outside the walls of Eden. With a Wilhelm scream, Adam and Eve fall headfirst off the top of the wall and land in the sand. Pachziraphale approaches them, looking worried, and helps them to their feet.Pachziraphale:  Goodness me, are you all right? What happened? Why are you wearing leaves?Adam:  Ask her. It was her idea.Eve:  It wasn’t me, it was the demon! I was framed!Pachziraphale:  Oh no, what have you done?Eve:  We strayed from the Divine Plan! We threw off the Almighty’s groove!Pachziraphale:  Her what?Adam:  You know, Her groove.Eve:  It’s Her ineffable master design for all of creation. She told us what to do, and what not to, and we didn’t listen. That Demon Llama told us to try things our own way instead of Hers, and he got us thrown out of the Garden!Pachziraphale:  Demon Llama? You mean that handsome black and ginger fellow? I suppose I’d better give him a talking-to about that.Adam:  Well, whatever you do, don’t become lifelong frenemies with him.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 41
Kudos: 73
Collections: An Eventful Surprise





	Demon Llama! or, The Ineffable New Groove

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bisasterdi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisasterdi/gifts).



> For the amazing @bisasterdi! Here, have this ridiculous pair of cakes smashed together into a giant delicious mess of frosting! We love you!
> 
> With help from @EdnaV, @saretton, @liquidlyrium, @doorwaytoparadise, and @noodlefrog!

**THE INEFFABLE NEW GROOVE  
**

_**in which**_ **Empress Yzzzzzzma And Their Latest Boytoy Gronk Take Down One Demon Llama** **and One Angel.** **Or don't.**

  
  


_Int. day, at a local pub. Cruzco sits alone at a table, extremely drunk, blubbering and putting away his second bottle of Scotch._

**Cruzco:** I never asked to be a demon!

_He pours another glass and continues ranting inaudibly._

**Cruzco:** _[Voice over, sober]_ Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that demon you’re looking at used to be an angel. And not just any angel -- that guy was a Starchitect. A handsome, powerful, flaming ethereal ball of charisma. The name’s Cruzco. Anthony J. Cruzco. I was Heaven’s hottest angel, then I was Hell’s sexiest demon, and then Heaven and Hell ruined my life for no reason and reduced me to this. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I'll tell you what. You go back a ways, you know, before the Apocalypse started, and this will all make sense.

 **Pachziraphale:** _[Voice over]_ You see, it all started back in the Garden of Eden.

_Cut to Eden, on the wall over the Eastern Gate. Pachziraphale extends his wing over Cruzco to shield him from pounding rain._

**Pachziraphale:** _[Voice over]_ Technically, I was on apple tree duty, and _he_ was a wily old Llama --

 **Cruzco:** _[Voice over]_ Shhh sh sh sh, hold it, angel. That’s maybe a little too far back.

_Roll opening credits sequence. [Music cue: main theme song, performed by Hastur LaVista & the Hellhounds. Theme song montage to be independently choreographed, performed, directed, shot, and edited by Disco Tony Productions, inc.] _

+++

_Ext. day, outside the walls of Eden. With a Wilhelm scream, Adam and Eve fall headfirst off the top of the wall and land in a soft dune of sand. Pachziraphale approaches them, looking worried, and helps them to their feet._

**Pachziraphale:** Goodness me, are you all right? What happened? Why are you wearing leaves?

 **Adam:** Ask _her._ It was her idea.

 **Eve:** It wasn’t me, it was the demon! I was framed! 

**Adam:** You were played for a sucker.

 **Eve:** It was entrapment!

 **Pachziraphale:** Oh no, what have you done?

 **Eve:** We strayed from the Divine Plan! We threw off the Almighty’s groove!

 **Pachziraphale:** Her what?

 **Adam:** You know, Her groove. She dances to an ineffable groove of Her own devising? Sound familiar? She says it's like dancing in a pitch black room to a smiling DJ who won't honor your song requests.

 **Eve:** It’s Her ineffable master design for all of creation. She told us what to do, and what not to, and we didn’t listen. That Demon Llama told us to try things our own way instead of Hers, and he got us thrown out of the Garden!

 **Pachziraphale:** Demon Llama? You mean that handsome black and ginger fellow? I suppose I’d better give him a talking-to about that.

 **Adam:** Well, whatever you do, don’t become lifelong frenemies with him. And _definitely_ don’t foster scintillating sexual tension between the two of you as you thwart one another for millennia. Eventually he’ll trick you into going against the Great Plan, and then She’ll punish you, too.

 **Pachziraphale:** Where are you off to now?

 **Adam:** Not sure. Never been outside of Her ineffable plan before. 

**Eve:** _[shivering]_ Beware the groove...

_Pachziraphale, distressed, hands them his flaming sword, hilt first. The blade singes his hand, and he shakes it as though it smarts_

**Pachziraphale:** Oh dear. Here, take this -- it’s cold out there, and there are wild animals. No, don’t touch that side, that’s the hot cutty side; just hold this bit, here. There you are. You’ll get the hang of it before long. Best get moving, now; don’t let the sun go down on you here. Oh, and only drink fast-moving water that tastes good. I’ll be along to check on you shortly, I’m sure, soon as I get my next assignment. Cheerio!

_Adam and Eve walk away across the desert._

**Eve:** _[to herself]_ The groove...the groooove…

_Pachziraphale flies to the top of the wall and watches their retreat. The Demon Cruzco trots up next to him, pouting, and transforms into his human shape._

**Cruzco:** Yyyyikes.

 **Pachziraphale:** Beg pardon?

 **Cruzco:** I said, _yikes._ It’s a colloquialism. It’ll be a hit someday, just wait ‘n see. It means, that went down like a lead balloon.

 **Pachziraphale:** Yes, rather. Quite. What in Heaven’s name will the poor things do now?

 **Cruzco:** Mmmmmn -- don’t know, don’t care. Demon, y’know?

 **Pachziraphale:** But isn’t this whole thing _your_ fault?

 **Cruzco:** Hey, I just came up here to make some trouble. Am I to blame that they were so eager to do the one thing they’d been told not to? Hardly needed me for that; it was only a matter of time. Besides, if She really planned for them to stay in the Garden, wouldn’t she have made it a little more difficult to get kicked out? Why not make the fruit too high to reach, or look rotten, or -- or invisible?

 **Pachziraphale:** ...Hmm….

 **Cruzco:** What if I did what She wanted all along? ‘S all a bit suspicious if you ask me.

 **Pachziraphale:** _You’re_ a bit suspicious, if you ask me.

 **Cruzco:** Anyway, it’s definitely not my fault. Hey, didn’t you have a flaming sword?

 **Pachziraphale:** Iiiiiiiii -- ahm -- er -- the thing is --

 **Cruzco:** You did! It was flaming like anything! What happened to it anyway? Really set off your eyes. You’re pretty cute. For an angel, I mean. Fancy a thwart sometime?

 **Pachziraphale:** _[awkward strangled squeaks]_

_Thunder claps and the sky opens; rain starts dumping on the two of them. They both look up in surprise, then look at each other, trying to decide what to do as they get increasingly soaked. Pachziraphale tentatively starts to lift a white wing. Fade out._

+++

_Int. dark damp basement with fluorescent lighting. Yzzzzzma slumps in their throne, holding court before a number of demons. The Demon Cruzco stands a few steps below them, in modern dress with fabulous sunglasses. Caption:_ _**6024 YEARS LATER** _

**Yzzzzzma:** At lassszzzt, the glorious day of our victory approaches!

 **Cruzco:** Ngk, yeah, gonna be great. Got so excited I took down the whole London area phone network to get the preparty rolling.

 **Yzzzzzma:** Cruzco, I must admit you had me worried when you nearly mixed up those infantzzz. But now that we know where the Antichrist is, all is forgiven.

 **Cruzco:** Ah yeah. Yup. Yup. Antichrist. Totally. Absolutely know about where he is. About. His whereabouts. Yeah. Couldn't be more known. Not the kind of thing a proper demon would mess up, not at all.

 **Yzzzzzma:**... Right. You _do_ know where the Antichrist is, don't you Cruzco? 

**Cruzco:** Yeah, uh huh, sure! Who wouldn't know where they left the notorious son of Satan? 

**Yzzzzzma:** _[grabs Cruzco by his absurd silver scarf]_ Cruzco. Tell me that you know where the Antichrist izzz; I _need_ to hear these words.

 **Cruzco:** Uh, d'you need to hear all those words exactly?

 **Yzzzzzzma:** Cruzcooooo! _[releasing him and pushing him away]_

 **Cruzco:** Ngk.

 **Yzzzzzzma:** Izzzz he or is he not at Megiddo today with Hastur?

 **Cruzco:** Well, he’s uh, he’s very nearly there, only -- only not quite as _all the way_ there as we would have hoped.

 **Yzzzzzma:** _[livid]_ Well then who have you been nannying all these years?

 **Cruzco:** Ennnnnnhhh -- some other kid? Who came out appallingly entitled and selfish, according to plan? 

_Yzzzzma stands up and screams in rage, dissolves into a swarm of flies, and reincorporates._

**Yzzzzzzma:** How could you fail at such a simple task? We’ve all been preparing for thiszzz for millennia! I ask you to do one little thing. One thing, Cruzco!

 **Cruzco:** Hey, I did everything I was ordered to do! Pick up the baby, don’t lose the baby, give him to the nuns, keep an eye on the Ambassador’s kid -- check. Is it my fault all babies look alike? You should’ve given him little horns, or, or hooves or something. So you could pick him out of a...baby...pile.

 **Yzzzzma:** Your excuseszzz do not interest the Lords of Hell. It is no concern of ours whether or not you have...what was it again?

 **Cruzco:** A set of working hips?

 **Yzzzzzzma:** No, the other thing.

 **Cruzco:** A fulfilling purpose to give my immortal life some kind of meaning?

 **Yzzzzzma:** _Ha!_ You really should have thought of that before you became a demon! Anyway, you’ll be thrown into the deepest pit for a good long torture session, until we decide what to do with you for failing Hizzzz Unholiness.

 **Cruzco:** Nnnngg -- yeah, here’s the thing, no.

_Cruzco drops a cheap smoke and glitter bomb, transforms into a llama, spits defiantly, and then gallops at top speed into the crowd, knocking the other demons over like bowling pins._

**Ligur:** Should we go after ‘im?

 **Yzzzzzma:** Let him run, he won’t get far. _[shouting]_ GRONK!

 _In a bolt of lightning, Gronk materializes at Yzzzzma’s left hand, looking luminous and handsome in a vapid_ _underwear_ _model sort of way._

 **Gronk:** Yzzzzma! What a pleasant surprise. What’s it been, a sesquicentury?

 **Yzzzzzma:** That’szzz not even a word. And we have to talk, archangel.

 **Gronk:** Ooh, is it about the -- hmm-hm-hm-hmmm?

 **Yzzzzzma:** The Apocalypse? You can say it. It izzzzn’t Voldemort.

 **Gronk:** _[shivers]_ Ugh. Yeah, actually, I had some thoughts about that too. It seems Heaven may have a rogue angel on our hands. Keeps talking about finding the Antichrist and helping to raise him toward the light. Something about averting the Great War?

 **Yzzzzzma:** What.

 **Gronk:** Seemed harmless enough; his little side projects usually are. But when I sounded the horn just now, he didn’t turn up. Wonder what that’s about?

 **Yzzzzzzma:** Come with me. Let us consult...in private. Mind the slime puddle, an Eric upzzzet me earlier.

_They depart together. Cut to the shining glass-paned lobby of Heaven and Hell, int. day. Cruzco clambers up the escalator out of Hell (with some difficulty), looks back to see that he’s not being followed, and strikes a triumphant pose in the lobby._

**Cruzco:** Woo-yeah! Look at me and my bad self! _[sneering mockingly]_ "Ooh, I'm the regent of Hell, and I’m throwing you into the deepest pit." _[strutting across the lobby in rhythm]_ Well, not today! Uh- _huh!_ Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh...

_Cruzco transforms back into a man-shaped being and pulls out his mobile as he walks out of the lobby to the parked Bentley._

**Cruzco:** Call Pachziraphale.

 **Siri:** Searching for asphalt near you.

 **Cruzco:** No! Call Pachziraphale!

 **Siri:** _"Azerbaijan, the nation and former Soviet republic, is bounded by the Caspian Sea and Caucasus Mountains..."_

 **Cruzco:** _Rrrrrgh!_ Siri! Call Angel! ...Or I’ll bite you again!

 **Siri:** Calling Angel Pachziraphale. _[SFX: dialing, then a click and silence.]_

 **Cruzco:** _[hastily]_ Angel! They know it’s me, they know everything. We’ve gotta make a run for it --

 **Siri:** _[SFX: dropped call sound]_ Calls within the London network area cannot be completed at this time.

_Cruzco growls and gyrates angrily, hips all aflail. He gets into the Bentley and tears off in the direction of Soho. [Music cue, if the studio can be persuaded to pay for the rights with a truckload of diamonds: “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen. Who are we kidding, even Disney can’t afford Queen]_

+++

_Int. giant underground cavern, ominously lit from below by a distant lake of lava. Yzzzzma smashes the urns of the damned with a giant hammer to relieve their workday tension. Gronk, holding an armload of urns, assists._

**Yzzzzzma:** How did they get away with it? _[SMASH]_ This is an outrage. They’ve been collaborating all this time? Right under our noseszzz? The traitors! _[SMASH]_ And now we’ve only hours until the Apocalypse, and the Antichrist has missed his cue, _[SMASH]_ and the fields of Megiddo are _not_ being soaked in blood, not even a little bit! …...Gronk. _[snaps their fingers repeatedly]_ If you would.

_Gronk has grown distracted from his duties by flicking bits of brimstone and soot off of his suit coat. He hastily places another urn before Yzzzzzma._

**Gronk:** So....what are we gonna do about it?

 **Yzzzzma:** Do? Why, kill them of course! _[SMASH]_

 **Gronk:** Oh, okay. Right. Kill them. ...How, exactly?

 **Yzzzzma:** There’zzz the question, now. How do we kill a rogue angel and a demon llama? 

**Gronk:** How, and also why?

 **Yzzzzma:** For collaborating, of course! For conspiring against Heaven and Hell! For working together! _[pacing]_ Ahhhh, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I’ll turn them into two students, two harmless, little students, and then I’ll give those students a job in a call center, and then I’ll hire that call center to make scam calls, and then I’ll give them my phone number, and when it rings... _[evil laugh]_ I’ll introduce them to a 347,666 words incomplete human AU set in a call center that stops on a cliffhanger and hasn’t been updated in 5 years!

_Yzzzzma conjures a bolt of lightning, to foster the suitable Evil Villain mood. The lightning incinerates a nearby Eric._

**Yzzzzma:** Come to think of it, they might call while I’m in the shower. We’ll just destroy them with hellfire and holy water.

_Gronk, suddenly struck by a thought -- and unfamiliar with that feeling -- drops all of the urns in his arms at once._

**Gronk:** Waaaaait. If Hell wants to kill Cruzco, and Heaven wants to kill Pachziraphale -- but Heaven has the holy water and Hell has the hellfire -- that means _we’ll_ have to collaborate to bring them down.

 **Yzzzzzma:** The capacity of your fluffy angelic mind renderzzzz me speechless. As in, no comment. You’ve FINALLY figured it out.

 **Gronk:** But -- isn’t collaborating the reason they’re traitors sentenced to death?

 **Yzzzzzzma:** But if _we_ collaborate zzzzzspecifically to punish their collaboration, wouldn’t we be _un_ -collaborating?

 **Gronk:** Ohhhhhhhhhhh! So we’re the double-crossing secret agent opposites-day traitors. Which means we’re not traitors at all. Un-traitors. Anti-traitors. _[claps hands together gleefully]_ Oh yeah. It’s allllll coming together. 

**Yzzzzzzma:** Somebody get me an iced tea. The Long Izzzzland kind. _[shouting]_ Eric!

 **Gronk:** Ugh, gross matter. I’ll head up and see what I can find in the Earth Surveillance Files, and then you and I can track ‘em down. Together. On an adventure! Apocalypse adventure!

 **Yzzzzma:** _[facepalming]_ You do that. Once you find them, we will szzzend our best to bring them back for their punishment.

 **Gronk:** This’ll be fun! I’ll tell Michael to warm up the holy water.

 _Exit Gronk, singing his own theme music, which sounds suspiciously similar to “I Have Confidence in Me” from_ The Sound of Music.

+++

_Ext. day, city park. Cruzco and Pachziraphale run until Pachziraphale is winded and has to stop for a breather. They pause amid a flock of ducks and geese who quack and honk throughout the scene, especially at emotional moments. [SFX: disruptive ducks.]_

**Cruzco:** Keep up, angel.

 **Pachziraphale:** You go too fast for me, Cruzco!

 **Cruzco:** You’re just slowing us down with that sissy, stringy music thing.

 **Pachziraphale:** We’ve been over this. It’s a harp!

 **Cruzco:** Right. That’s a harp, and that’s a dress.

 **Pachziraphale:** ROBE!

 **Cruzco:** And they’re slowing us down. 

**Pachziraphale:** Running away won’t solve anything. I’m going back to talk to Michael and see if we can’t sort out this little misunderstanding.

 **Cruzco:** Look, I just melted my supervisor with holy water, so at this point it’s a bit more than a little misunderstanding -- 

**Pachziraphale:** But you must admit, you bear some responsibility for what happened. You _lost_ the Antichrist! And I bet you did it on purpose, too!

 **Cruzco:** Why would I lose the Antichrist on purpose?

 **Pachziraphale:** Well I’m sure I have no idea. You’re the demonic mastermind, not me.

 **Cruzco:** For my money it was just a regular cock-up.

 **Pachziraphale:** That’s fair. “Mastermind” would be giving you _far_ too much credit. At any rate, I’m going home. We’re an angel and a demon. We’re on opposite sides!

 **Cruzco:** Our “sides” are chasing us around London trying to murder us, and they’re only doing _that_ so that they can murder each other. And everyone else. Why should we care about our sides? We could bugger off to Alpha Centauri! Run away together!

 **Pachziraphale:** _[hopefully]_ Together? _[remembering himself]_ But I don’t even like you!

 **Cruzco:** You dooooo!

 **Pachziraphale:** You smell like wet llama.

 **Cruzco:** Yeah, well you smell like -- moldy old books!

 **Pachziraphale:** Oh, come off it.

 **Cruzco:** YOU come off it!

 **Pachziraphale:** No, you.

 **Cruzco:** You!

 **Pachziraphale and Cruzco:** _[simultaneously]_ You you you you you you you --

 **Cruzco:** You infinity!

 **Pachziraphale:** _[sulks]_

 **Cruzco:** We’re wasting time! Let’s go!

 **Pachziraphale:** I’m not running one more step until I consult a higher authority. We can avert the war if I can just get in touch with the right people!

 **Cruzco:** But there’s no one to get in touch _with!_ Nobody’s listening! Everyone wants the war but us. So let’s get out of here, come on angel -- it’s just you and me, together!

 **Pachziraphale:** Not anymore. It’s over! Goodbye, Cruzco. _[sniffling]_...Mind how you go.

_Cruzco shuffles away with hands in his pockets, dejected and pouting, and we cut away to follow him as he saunters into the bar from the prologue. Cutting back to the park, we see Pachziraphale’s lip trembling as he chokes back tears. He turns away from Cruzco to go back to the bookstore. Enter Shadwell, charging toward Pachziraphale, roaring and brandishing bell, book, and candle, pointing threateningly._

**Shadwell:** _[shouting in a thick yet unplaceable accent]_ You foul fiend, in league with the forces of darkness! You monster! You are possessed by a demon, and I shall exorcise you!

_Pachziraphale hikes up his robe and runs after Cruzco._

**Pachziraphale:** Cruzco! Cruzco, wait for me!

+++

_Int. basement in Hell, Yzzzzma’s audience chambers. Yzzzma sits on their throne and Gronk attends them, standing at their left hand and looking statuesque. Hastur stands quivering before them._

**Yzzzzzma:** _[incredulous]_ Abszzconded? Through the phone line? He’s supposed to be DEAD!

 **Gronk:** Yeah, weird.

 **Hastur:** _[incoherent blubbering]_ Holy water! He used -- he had holy water! I can’t believe -- even a demon -- _[returns to blubbering]_

 **Yzzzzma:** You know what this means, don’t you, Gronk?

 **Gronk:** Uhhh...it means we should hide the recipe better? Like the humans did for Coca-Cola?

 **Yzzzzzma:** It means that if we want to catch these deszzzzerters, we’ll need an angel and a demon to go after them together. We’ll have to do it ourselves! Suit up, big boy!

 **Gronk:** Cardio! Nice!

_Cut to montage of an extensive chase, on foot, through St. James’s Park and across London. [Music cue: bongoes! That is, an upbeat bebop instrumental with lengthy bongo breaks for running sequences; recommend a generic fast 12-bar blues performed by studio jazz combo with horn section, à la Ren and Stimpy theme song.]_

_Cruzco and Pachziraphale run hand-in-hand, though they are often tripped up by Pachziraphale’s angelic robes. Gronk carries Yzzzzma on his back; they give orders and flog him impatiently, pointing after their quarry. Occasionally we see Shadwell running after all of them, ringing his bell and bellowing incomprehensibly; he falls farther and farther behind, but never gives up._

_[Locations, if we can book them: Buckingham Palace gates, London Bridge (for view of Tower Bridge), Parliament/Big Ben, Covent Garden, Victoria Embankment across from London Eye, Trafalgar Square. Geography need not be coherent, just pack in London sights: after all, that’s what all Hollywood movies do. And most British movies too. Actually, every film does it.]_

+++

_Cut to Tadfield town square, ext. sunset. Cruzco is now a llama and Pachziraphale is riding him; they both look exhausted and singed. Pachziraphale’s robes are blackened around the edges and Cruzco’s wool is a little worse for wear. They clip clop across the pavement on an otherwise silent evening [SFX: llama hooves, whatever those sound like]. An astonished R.P. Tyler watches them approach and fails to move quickly enough; his dog has to scramble out of the way to escape being trodden underfoot._

**R.P. Tyler:** I say! How thoughtless of you! I am vexed, you hear me? Vexed!

_Several seconds later, in the same uninterrupted shot, Gronk jogs into frame, looking fresh as when they started, with a bedraggled and exhausted Yzzzzma on his back. They act as if R.P. Tyler is not there._

**Yzzzzma:** We’ve lost them!

 **R.P. Tyler:** Lost whom?

 **Gronk:** Where d’you think they were going? We’re a long way from Megiddo.

 **Yzzzzma:** I don’t give a blesszz, as long as we go there too!

 **R.P. Tyler:** Are you perhaps looking for a lightly toasted blonde man in a toga, riding an even more thoroughly toasted llama?

_The dachshund barks at Gronk._

**Gronk:** _[bending over, almost spilling Yzzzzma onto the ground]_ Hi there, li’l guy! Aren’t you the cutest! Are you excited for the end of the world? Yes you aaare, what a good boy…

_Gronk begins barking back to the dachshund in a matching tone._

**Yzzzzzma:** Don’t encourage it, Gronk.

 **Gronk:** Oh, I was there for the creation of all creatures. I speak fluent dachshund. Just being polite.

 **R.P. Tyler:** Polite? _Polite!_ Why, I never --

 **Yzzzzzma:** This is ridiculous.

 **R.P. Tyler:** Ridiculous indeed! 

**Gronk:** Hey, it doesn’t always have to be about you, Yzzzzma. This poor little guy’s had it rough. Seems a whole flock of motorcycles and a llama nearly ran him over earlier today. Motorcycles flock, right? Or are they a sounder?

 **Yzzzzzzma:** That’s the Horsemen! And Cruzco! They were here? Ask the wretched little mammal thing where they went!

 **Gronk:** Wow, wouldn’t that be a coincidence! You really think that this li’l guy’s llama -- and our demon llama -- are the same --

 **R.P. Tyler:** Demon llama?!

 **Yzzzzzma:** _[shouting]_ YES! _[to the dachshund]_ Tell us where they went, or your szzzoul is forfeit!

_The dachshund retreats behind R.P. Tyler’s legs._

**Gronk:** He…..doesn’t really want to talk to you.

_Gronk lets Yzzzzzma down and they take a step back, sneering._

**Gronk:** _[aside]_ Ugh, I hate being in the middle. 

_Gronk barks at length to the dachshund, who barks back and intermittently licks Gronk’s face amiably. R.P. Tyler sputters and grows increasingly red in the face. Gronk concludes the conversation and politely shakes hands with the dachshund. He stands and adopts a hands-on-waist hero pose, silhouetted against the setting sun._

**Gronk:** All right, I’ve got directions. All aboard!

 **Yzzzzma:** NNrrrrghargh!

_Yzzzzma explodes into a cloud of angry flies, buzzes frantically for a moment, and then reforms on Gabriel’s back. They point._

**Yzzzzma:** Giddyup!

 **Gronk:** Actually he said it was that way --

_Yzzzzzzma points to the sky and shoots a blast of flame from their fingertips._

**Yzzzma:** Just GO!!!

+++

_Ext. sunset, at the Tadfield Airbase. [Music cue: “Bohemian Rhapsody.” I mean, we’ll never get it, but a writer’s assistant living in their car in the actual credited screenwriter’s driveway waiting for pages of NCIS season 17 can fantasize, right?] Cruzco and Pachziraphale steadily clip clop across the tarmac to the scene of the confrontation -- but they’re too late. The Apocalypse is over, and it never happened. The Horsemen and Death are already gone. The flaming sword lies extinguished on the ground amid the Them, Newt, and Anathema, its purpose served._

**Pachziraphale:** Ah! That’s where that got to! I was worried.

_He gets down to fetch the sword and take a look at it. Cruzco overdramatically collapses onto the ground, groaning, and transforms back into his preferred man-shape. The Them think this is extremely cool._

**Cruzco:** Auuuunnngh. Why did I even bother with the M25?

 **Adam:** That was wicked!

 **Cruzco:** Oh, so _you’re_ the Antichrist! Last I saw you you looked like just another baby from the baby pile.

 **Pachziraphale:** It’s lovely to meet you, erm --

 **Adam:** Adam.

 **Pachziraphale:** Adam, yes. Charmed.

 **Adam:** Can you do the llama thing again?

_Cruzco groans even more dramatically and sits up with legs splayed. Pachziraphale intervenes on his behalf with a smile._

**Pachziraphale:** You know, it’s rather personal, what one does with one’s corporation, so it’s not just a party trick for the entertainment of others. I, however, _do_ know a few magic tricks --

 **Cruzco:** Angel! No. Nonononono. Do _not_ do magic for the Antichrist.

_Pachziraphale digs for a coin in his pocket, but drops it with a ping when he sees Yzzzzzma and Gronk jogging towards them._

**Pachziraphale:** Oh dear.

 **Adam:** Who’s that?

 **Pachziraphale:** Erm, our, ah, head office.

_Yzzzzma and Gronk arrive. Gronk hasn’t even broken a sweat. Yzzzzma looks travel-weary and disheveled._

**Yzzzzzzma:** That is the _last_ time we take directions from a dachshund!

 **Gronk:** So where is he?

_Cruzco and Pachziraphale unintentionally glance at Adam. Gronk stalks over to him and lets Yzzzzma down. Yzzzma straightens their sash of office and fly hat. Gronk changes from athletic wear into his nicest silver Brooks Brothers Wall Street asshat suit with a lavender tie. The Them, Anathema, and Newt approach, backing up Adam._

**Gronk:** Hey, kid -- so, uh, we’re gonna need you to restart the Apocalypse? Um, now?

 **Yzzzzma:** _Immediately._

 **Gronk:** Because it’s the Great Plan, and this is your part in it. And we all wanna do our part, don’t we? That’s teamwork!

 **Cruzco:** _[aside, to Pachziraphale]_ He is _such_ a tool. He’s like the thing that wouldn’t stop spouting motivational catchphrases.

 **Yzzzzma:** It is written that the world shall last for six thousand yearszzz, and then it shall perish in flood and flames. So get _on_ with it!

 **Gronk:** Yeah, yeah! And that’s your bit there, the perishing bit. So can you just -- perish stuff? Now? It’s not a lot to ask. Everyone else did their thing.

 **Cruzco:** _[aside]_ How do you put up with him? How does _God_ put up with him?

_Pachziraphale has a sudden realization and steps closer to Adam. Adam, who is having a very weird day, answers Gronk and Yzzzzma._

**Adam:** Naaah, I don’t think so. I’m good. I think I like things non-perishable.

 **Pachziraphale:** There you have it. The Antichrist has spoken.

 **Yzzzzma:** But he’s going against the Great Plan!

 **Pachziraphale:** But She has _allowed_ him to go against the Great Plan, and therefore this must be part of Her _Ineffable_ Plan. Or else it couldn’t be happening. Don’t you see?

 **Gronk:** What? That’s ridiculous! Like you’d know anything about it, Pachziraphale. _[pulls a ridiculous patronizing face]_

 **Cruzco:** _[approaching to stand on Adam’s other side]_ He’s right. Unless perhaps you’re implying that She’s not powerful enough to make this happen if She wants it to? Naaah, didn’t think so. So it must be ineffable. Has to be.

_Yzzzzzma has turned red, and is starting to flame about the hair. Gabriel is letting loose small sparks of heat lightning. Both are looking increasingly inhuman. Yzzzzma points accusingly at Pachziraphale and Cruzco._

**Yzzzzma:** YOU TWO! This whole time, you’ve been _interfering!_

 **Cruzco:** Oh, we’re not really interfering.

 **Pachziraphale:** We’re just explaining.

 **Gronk:** That’s even WORSE! Don’t explain, that’s not our what angels do! We fight!

 **Yzzzzzma:** _[To Adam]_ Restart the Apocalypse RIGHT NOW, young man, and those two are both going to be executed!

 **Gronk:** Wait, perhaps you meant 'Or'? 

**Yzzzzzma:** Gfgdhj, all right! Restart the Apocalypse right now _**OR**_ those two are both going to be executed!

 **Wensleydale:** Well, which is it? That sounds like a crucial conjunction, actually.

 **Brian:** Can’t make a proper decision without being sure.

 **Pepper:** _[pointing at Yzzzzma]_ I like them, they’re cool. I want fire hair.

_Adam looks at Cruzco and Pachziraphale._

**Adam:** I mean, no offense, but I don’t really know you guys. If it’s you or all of existence, I think I’d better choose all of existence.

 **Cruzco:** You’re the Antichrist. You can literally do whatever you want right now. You’re in charge of all of existence.

 **Adam:** _[brightening]_ I am? Oh! I choose neither, then.

_He waves his hand and blasts Yzzzma and Gronk high into the air. As they fall he materializes a trampoline under them, because he thinks it’s funny, and because it would actually be kind of gross to watch them go splat._

**Gronk:** _[between bounces]_ Someone should -- really tell the kid’s -- dad about this.

 **Yzzzzma:** _[trying not to bounce, but being bounced by Gronk anyway]_ Oh, they will. They -- _will._

_Gronk is getting more and more enthusiastic about the trampoline, double-bouncing Yzzzzma repeatedly, until Yzzzzma gestures angrily and vanishes them both. The ground immediately starts shaking. The trampoline starts shuddering its way across the tarmac. [SFX: that exact rumbling they put into every disaster movie these days, I swear it has to be a free stock sound clip because I’ve heard it a thousand times. They always use the same one.]_

**Anathema:** What’s happening?

 **Pachziraphale:** Uh-ohhhhh.

_Satan himself bursts out of the ground about a hundred yards away. He is several stories tall and fiery and ripped and looks really mad. He looks at Adam. Adam looks back. POV Adam as Satan roars at the sky, aaand -- FREEZE FRAME. Cruzco, wings out, saunters casually into frame in front of frozen roaring Satan._

**Cruzco:** Excuse me. Two seconds here. Since we haven’t known you your whole life, only thought we did, we’d better get caught up, yeah?

_Adam shakes his head in confusion. He really is having a weird day. Pachziraphale sighs in relief and lets his wings out too, then cracks his neck._

**Cruzco:** _[pacing]_ The quick version is, demon, angel, Cruzco, Pachziraphale. Obviously we’re on the outs with Heaven and Hell. That’s Satan, your dad, and he’s pissed at you.

 **Adam:** Riiiiight.

 **Pachziraphale:** _[sincerely and tenderly]_ Adam, we intended to watch over you from the start and teach you all about good and evil. But -- oh dear, this is a bit embarrassing -- how to put it --

 **Cruzco:** We had you confused for some other twat. And frankly I’m glad the Antichrist isn’t _them,_ because we’d all be atomized by now if it were.

 **Pachziraphale:** _[with a pointed look]_ You’d think he would have turned out better, with a nanny like that. At any rate, Adam, it turns out that we really aren’t the most competent.

 **Adam:** How did you mix up --

 **Cruzco:** _It’snotmyfaultbabiesalllookalike!_

 **Pachziraphale:** But you decided not to end the world, all on your own. So it must have been God’s Ineffable Plan for you to grow up without the influences of Heaven and Hell -- purely human. If I’d done my job, you might have been too meek and mild and obliging to refuse your role.

 **Adam:** Meek and mild?

 **Cruzco:** His job was to lead you down the path of righteousness. Mine’s to lead you down the path that _rocks._

 **Pachziraphale:** And if you’d listened to him, you’d have been a complete nightmare. But you chose all on your own. Being human means having a choice between good and evil, instead of committing to one or the other. You can choose something in the middle, if you like. Because -- _[pointedly, at Cruzco]_ \-- our sides are _equally cool._

 **Cruzco:** I mean you say that, buuuuut -- look what I can do. _[Demonstrates a very weird thing with his tongue.]_

 **Adam:** How is that helpful?

 **Pachziraphale:** No, no, he has a point.

 **Adam:** So what do I do about -- him? _[gesturing to frozen Satan]_

 **Pachziraphale:** To be honest, I was hoping that I’d come up with something clever as we talked, but I haven’t yet, so -- ahhhh -- be...yourself?

 **Adam:** See, that sounds profound, but it’s also completely useless.

 **Cruzco:** What we're saying is, you got this. Your instincts seem pretty sound. You should trust them.

 **Pachziraphale:** And think of your friends. They helped you through this, didn’t they?

 **Adam:** How’d you know that?

 **Pachziraphale:** I read books. It’s standard hero’s journey fare; just an educated guess.

 **Cruzco:** Anyway, whatever you’re gonna do, do it fast. Here he comes. We’re with you.

_They each take one of Adam’s hands. Pachziraphale raises his sword for battle, for once looking like a badass, and it bursts into flame. Cruzco brandishes a pitchfork from out of nowhere._

**Pachziraphale:** Remember, from above the wicked shall receive their just reward. The plans of the unrighteous shall founder upon the rocks of iniquity and perish. And there’s nobody more unrighteous than Satan himself, if I may be so bold.

 **Cruzco:** Yeah, take him down.

_Cruzco cocks his pitchfork like a shotgun, one handed, and braces his feet. It is a priority for him to look extremely cool at the end of days._

**Pachziraphale:** Where did you get that?

 **Cruzco:** _[shrugs nonchalantly]_ Standard issue.

 **Adam:** Wicked!

_Time starts again. [Music cue: stock orchestral dramatic climax music.] Satan roars and claws halfway out of the ground, until we can see him from the waist up (because frankly I’m not sure what to do VFX-wise from there down, I mean, he spawned a son, but he’s not human, and anyway we don’t want the rating bumped up (or do we?) side note: can we get a cool cameo for Satan, since it’s just V.O., call in a few favors?)._

**Satan:** Where is my rebellious son?

 **Adam:** _[yelling defiantly]_ Takes one to know one! I don’t have to do what you say!

_Satan smashes the tarmac with a giant clawed fist. At that very moment Shadwell, still armed with bell, book, and candle, charges across the airfield, yelling wildly. His appearance distracts and mystifies everyone._

**Cruzco:** Shadwell?

 **Pachziraphale:** Shadwell?

 **Cruzco and Pachziraphale:** _[to each other]_ Wait, you know Shadwell?

_Shadwell runs right up to Satan even though he’s no taller than Satan’s navel (the existence of which should spawn a great deal of heated meta in fan forums and prompt obnoxious questions at Comic-Con panels). Shadwell drops the book so he can light the candle and starts screaming his exorcism invocation directly at Satan’s torso, which is all he can see. Satan stops roaring, looking down at him quizzically._

**Shadwell:** By the powers vested in me by the Witchfinder Army, I hereby command you and the forces of evil to begone from this place --

_Satan starts laughing, which is a terrifying rumbling sound. Shadwell, frustrated, tries to continue his exorcism. Satan starts truly cracking up, the laughter getting higher, more out of control, and (from a foley perspective) funnier. The Them finally join in, and Adam. Shadwell throws his bell at Satan’s ribs, then his candle. Then he gives him an ineffectual kick in the side. Satan flinches like it tickles and doubles over laughing, pounding the tarmac helplessly. The trampoline bounces comically into the air._

**Satan:** Oh, fuck me, I forgot how funny humans are. _Haaaahahahaha!_

 **Adam:** Buzz off and leave us alone then! We’re more entertaining than some stupid war anyway. Just let us be!

_Satan doesn’t answer, he rears up and laughs even harder, wings extended, until he dissolves into dust and mist. Once he’s definitely gone, Cruzco jumps into the air and stabs his pitchfork over his head._

**Cruzco:** Booyah!

 **Pachziraphale:** Well done, Adam!

_Shadwell charges back towards them, pointing accusingly at Pachziraphale._

**Shadwell:** I knew it! Ye were in league with the devil himself this whole time --

_Cruzco and Pachziraphale both release Adam’s hands and snap their fingers simultaneously. Shadwell collapses onto the tarmac, where a pillow awaits his head, and snores loudly._

**Pachziraphale:** Oh thank you, my dear.

 **Cruzco:** Nngph. You did it too. He’s a right git.

 **Pachziraphale:** He’s just the _worst!_

 **Adam:** Wow, that was awesome! Is it over now?

 **Cruzco:** Yeah it’s over, and you won! Look at you and your bad self.

_The sword stops flaming, Cruzco vanishes his pitchfork, and the Them, Newt, and Anathema start collecting themselves to leave. Pepper brings Adam his bike and he gets ready to ride._

**Adam:** We’d better get home for supper. Thanks for...not looking out for me, I guess? Until now. Yeah. Anyway. Hope you don’t get executed!

 **Cruzco and Pachziraphale:** _[to each other]_ Oh, fuck.

_Anathema approaches Pachziraphale with a note._

**Anathema:** Um, I think this might be for you.

 **Cruzco:** Sorry, who are you exactly?

+++

_Int. Yzzzzzma’s audience chambers. Yzzzzma sits in their throne, attended by Gronk and Hastur. A large assembly of demons has amassed for the trial._

**Yzzzzma:** BRING IN THE TRAITORRRZZZ!

_Several grimy demons wrestle Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco and Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale, bound by the wrists, before the throne. The demons retreat._

**Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** _[to demonic handlers]_ Hey, new coat, no touchy. _[to Yzzzzzma]_ Yzzzzma! Old pal. How’s it buzzin’?

 **Cuzco-as-Pachziraphale:** Yzzzzma, Gronk. What seems to be the problem?

 **Gronk:** You interfered in the Divine Plan and averted the Great War. Gonna have to do somethin’ about that, champ.

 **Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** _[sarcastically wringing hands]_ Oh no, now I feel really bad. Bad demon llama!

 **Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale:** But -- what are the charges? What did we actually do to thwart the Ineffable Plan?

 **Yzzzzzzma:** Why, you -- wait. What _did_ they actually do to avert the Apocalypszze?

 **Gronk:** Search me. _[consults an elaborate timeline on a chalkboard behind him]_ By all accounts, it doesn’t make any sense.

 **Yzzzzzzzma:** Oh, well. You shall burn in Hellfire, Angel Pachziraphale, and you shall boil in holy water, Demon Cruzco!

_The demons back away from the prisoners, and a few Erics in lab coats and goggles scramble about, making preparations and stationing themselves various giant manual levers set in the floor and switches on the walls. Gronk mans the largest lever, near Yzzzzma’s throne._

**Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** _[hurriedly, looking nervous]_ Okay, I admit it. So I lost the Antichrist and secretly collaborated with an angel. But I’m also the architect of temptation itself! And God clearly has a thing for the occasional sexy little rebellion, or it wouldn’t be part of the Ineffable Plan. Right? You sure you want to _kill_ me? 

**Yzzzzma:** Just think of it aszzz...you're being let go; that your life's going in a different direction; that your corporation's part of a permanent outplacement. 

**Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale:** But, Gronk, please -- we’re supposed to be the good guys, aren’t we?

 **Gronk:** Shut your stupid mouth and die already.

 **Yzzzzzma:** PULL THE LEVER!

 **Gronk:** Righto.

_Gronk enthusiastically pulls his lever. The seat of Yzzzzma’s throne opens on hinges and drops them through a trap door._

**Yzzzzzzzma:** _[falling]_ WRONG LEVERRRRRRRRR!…….

_After several beats, Yzzzzzma bursts through a hidden door behind the throne and storms in with a Hellhound gnawing their leg]_

**Yzzzzzma:**...Why do we even HAVE that lever?

 **Gronk:** Oops.

_Yzzzma shakes off the hellhound and resumes their seat, looking considerably more rumpled than before._

**Yzzzzzma:** There waszzz no holy water down there! Gronk! Did you bring the holy water?

 **Gronk:** ….Holy water?

 **Yzzzzzma:** _[Through gritted teeth]_ Remember our plan?

 **Gronk:** Oh _riiight,_ the holy water. The holy water for Cruzco. The holy water chosen especially to kill Cruzco. Cruzco’s holy water. That holy water?

 **Yzzzzzzma:** _Rrrrrrrrrrngh!_

 **Gronk:** Got you covered.

_He whistles loudly with two fingers. The Archangel Michael strolls in from a long hallway, bearing a crystal pitcher filled with water. [SFX: Michael’s echoing footsteps in elegant af shoes.] The demons back away from them, terrified. Pachziraphale and Cruzco, as each other, look nervous._

**Yzzzzzma:** Now. Pull the OTHER leverszz! Not you, Gronk.

_Two Erics pull levers and two trap doors open, one to Pachziraphale’s left, one to Cruzco’s right. The trap door next to Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale immediately fills with a column of fire that stretches to the ceiling. [SFX: flamethrower.] We see from an overhead shot that the trap door next to Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco opens over a giant empty fishtank. Michael serenely stands over the trap door and pours the endless contents of their pitcher down into the fishtank. [SFX: pouring water, but hopefully not the sound that makes the audience have to pee. I hate it when they use that in films.] Gronk looks down into the fishtank, delighted as a toddler, clapping his hands._

**Yzzzzma:** Any last words, traitorszzzz?

 **Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale:** _[smiling pleasantly]_ May we meet on a better occasion.

 **Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** BOOM, BABY!

_Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco cannonballs into the full fishtank with a great splash. The demons cower away from the hissing drops. Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale steps bravely into the pillar of fire. Gronk stares eagerly down the holy water hole, as one of two beings in the room unafraid of it. Michael is far too dignified to look. [SFX: splashing]_

**Gronk:** Uhhhhh, Yzzzzma? How long is this supposed to take?

 **Yzzzzzma:** What do you mean?

 **Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** _[voice over, echoing from below]_ Hi! Sure it’ll be any minute now, just waiting…

 **Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale:** Ooh, this is lovely. Just like a day at the spa.

_Gronk gives an undignified shriek-gasp and backs away as Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale ascends in the pillar of fire, floating, looking comfortable and relaxed. There’s a commotion among the crowd. Something’s gone wrong._

**Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** _[voice over, echoing]_ Can somebody throw me a rubber duck?

_A large splash erupts up through the trap door. The crowd breaks into a panic and starts fleeing. Michael finally looks down into the tank as well, surprised._

**Yzzzzzma:** _[rising to their feet]_ They’re szzzztill not dead?!

 **Gronk:** Whoa. That ain’t right.

 **Yzzzzzma:** _[to the crowd]_ Go on, get back to work, nothing to see here!

 **Gronk:** Wait, so are you -- like -- what’s wrong with you, Demon Llama? Are you just dissolving very very slowly? I don’t know how holy water’s supposed to work.

 **Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** _[voice over, echoing]_ That makes you ugly AND stupid. Archangels are the _worst._

_Yzzzzzma goes to inspect the pillar of hellfire in which Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale floats serenely. They poke him in the shoulder a few times. Their finger lights on fire, and they shake it out._

**Yzzzzzma:** It’s proper hellfire, I don’t understand what’szz gone wrong!

 **Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale:** It must be...ineffable.

 **Gronk:** But the Almighty has a certain way of doing things! This is outside the natural order!

 **Yzzzzma:** It’s unthinkable! Inconzzzzceivable!

 **Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** _[voice over, echoing]_ Unless She’s got more up her sleeve than you imagined. Maybe She’s got a new Groove that _we’re_ hip to, and you’re not.

 **Gronk and Yzzzzma:** Noooooo! The Grooooove!

_Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale steps out of the Hellfire, still flaming around the edges. Gronk backs away from him. Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco’s fingers appear on the edge of the trap door and he hoists himself out, dripping wet. Yzzzma cowers behind Gronk as he shakes himself vigorously, like a llama, spraying drops everywhere. Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco looks up and snaps his fingers impatiently._

**Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** Archangel Michael! Miracle us a towel, won’t you?

_Michael is too surprised to do otherwise. They hand a clean white towel to Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco. Meanwhile Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale giggles in delight as he makes little flickers of fire shoot off of his fingertips._

**Gronk:** That’s messed up.

 **Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale:** It’s rather nice! Feels like fireworks.

 **Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** So I bet you’re all thinking -- if they can do this, what else can they do?

_He flicks drops from his fingers at Michael. Pachziraphale and Cruzco step closer together, and Michael, Yzzzzma, and Gronk all flinch away._

**Yzzzzzma:** Let’s -- let’s all be reaszzzonable now, why don’t we talk about this…

 **Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale:** All that needs to be said is that we expect you to leave us alone in future. 

**Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** Capiche?

_Michael, Yzzzma, and Gronk all nod in unison. Pachziraphale and Cruzco both wrinkle their noses adorably and wink._

**Cruzco and Pachziraphale:** Good.

+++

_Ext. day, Berkeley Square Park if we can get it. Pachziraphale and Cruzco amble to their favorite park bench and sit down._

**Pachziraphale-as-Cruzco:** Are we ready?

 **Cruzco-as-Pachziraphale:** Donezo. 

_They hold hands and swap corporations, then stretch and shake out their limbs._

**Pachziraphale:** You did stink of wet llama in there. It was appalling.

 **Cruzco:** Hate to be pedantic, but technically that was you.

 **Pachziraphale:** And moldy books? I do _not_ smell of moldy books. You’re unbearable.

 **Cruzco:** Demon, remember? Think you could un-bear me long enough to get lunch?

 **Pachziraphale:** Where did you have in mind?

 **Cruzco:** Oh, I was just gonna graze a bit, right here.

 **Pachziraphale:** Cruzco!

 **Cruzco:** Save you a chestnut, if I find any.

 **Pachziraphale:** _Cruzco!_

 **Cruzco:** Or I could see about a table at the Ritz.

 **Pachziraphale:** That’s more like it. Come along, then.

_Pachziraphale stands up and offers a hand. Cruzco accepts it to stand up, and looks Pachziraphale’s angelic robes up and down._

**Cruzco:** You’re gonna wear that?

 **Pachziraphale:** _[sniffs]_ It’s vintage.

 **Cruzco:** Fine! Fine. No wool off my back. Let’s go.

_Fade to int. Ritz, day. Pachziraphale and Cruzco are seated at a dining table, drinking champagne. Cruzco has a plate of salad greens in front of him and Pachziraphale has multiple desserts._

**Pachziraphale:** Well, my dear, we’ve lived to see another lunch, and so has the world. She must have liked something about it.

 **Cruzco:** Probably The Bachelor.

 **Pachziraphale:** I was going to say raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. _[Cruzco makes a face.]_ In any case, it’s ineffable. We can’t know for sure. What shall we drink to?

 **Cruzco:** _[raising his glass]_ To the Groove!

 **Pachziraphale:** _[smiling brilliantly]_ To the Groove.

They toast, and then lean in and continue to talk inaudibly over lunch. _[Music cue: Theme song, something brassy and big, a merengue perhaps? Just ping Hastur and Disco Tony for a reprise. They owe me money, they’re good for it.]_ Slow zoom out and fade to black.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again to @EdnaV, @saretton, @liquidlyrium, @doorwaytoparadise, and @noodlefrog!


End file.
